Feed my rush! pushing my limits

yesterday was really pushing myself, i worked 10.5 hours non stop!!! no break, no lunch... my chef told me to rest and have something to eat but i refuse.. why?. because i think i really need to push myself, it is a tough world working in the kitchen, stories i read from celebrity chef's they work their ass off and i want to push myself to see where i stand, if i can't take that heat i think i can't work at all.. and when i work i feel the rush the Adrenalin and it is being Fed by my new friend... nescafe coffee.. it feels good to be wide awake and just rushing your work.

next week is hell... more OT to do and more work load to do, total onions to cut is at least 60KG. God help me.. i think i will die.

here is something interesting.. my kitchen friend says that i look like a jap...and i was like what the hell.. i look like a jap?... he says my face structure look like them, and he has jap friends so he thought i was like a mix or something... now i'm confused... did my ancestors really come from china?.. or was there a jap blood line in me?... funny..

the heat in the kitchen.

never ever irritate me when i'm tired, or i'll tell you off.
that was what happen to my maid when she kept asking me if i want to eat, never mind the question, but she kept asking me and giving me choices of food. and i snap a little.

Break my heart for what break your's

the lord has spoken to me.

because of what he has done to me, now i want to do it to others.
The lord guide my every step to who i am right now, the lord bless me with my wants and needs, but how many people and children in the world has been bless?

my passion has been narrowed down from the lost, poor and sick to children.

last night at Asia conference the lord broke my heart opening my eyes and letting me see why he still wants me to serve it is because of children who are lost, they are the next generation and whoever pick them up brought them up the wrong way that generation is lost.

well it's funny i don't really like children at first, but things are changing. i haven't tell this to anyone yet, but i'll blog it down anyway. some people know that i really haste noisy kids, but actually the lord has spoken to me in this area a few times before about children. one incident that i can still remember was a baby sleeping on his mother's arms and the lord just spoke to me saying "how sad when children are lost without their parents" and that time i wanted to tear. And their are other incidents when i was at overseas in Thailand i can still remember a little girl sleeping on the street alone. and other children sitting and begging for money. that really break God's heart.

Lord i'll answer the call and humble myself and pray.

for the past few days I've been trying to find answers to why am i serving God.

well I've got part of my answer thanks to James, i can't remember what he said, but it linked up to this phrase - without God i won't be who i am today. -

i'm not saying i'm a big shot person or anything but without God how am i able to find this passion in food, without God i don't know what on earth will i be doing now, without God i won't be able to know myself better. all these things came together because of him and serving him is a choice, now i got to learn how to live life in a balance, if i don't get it now, i won't be able to plant churches or do anything right.

well this is just one part of it... more to come.

have i lost it?
has the passion been overcome by other passions?

it's a battle between work and ministry.
many times i just want to throw it one side but thinking again why do i still want to do it? what is the reason of serving? what do i believe in?

another change in life is another chance to grow in beliefs, character, attitudes, vision.

God help me.

lets see...

today is my 3rd day since Saturday.. on Thursday i will be going to my new outlet which is called 53 and it's just in front of timbre...

i just read the strait times and i happen to read about what the head of catholic church Nicholas said about mercy killing( i didn't read the whole thing). he says that it is immoral. well it's kinda true, he says that we have no right to take our own life. true.. but on the other hand if i'm suffering lets say like i'm can't move at all, lying in bed all day, feeling helpless.. do i have the right to ask the the doctors to kill me? or should i wait to see a miracle? it's a TOUGH CALL.. another way to see is i'm actually killing myself, suicide. but how will god see it?.. we can't kill our self but on the other hand God does not want us to suffer too right?.. or let's say that i'm out cold.. i can't wake up at all for like 2, 3 years and someone says lets end it so that i will not suffer anymore will that person be guilty of murder? or what if before i was in a coma i told the person if i didn't wake up for a long time end my life. will i be guilty of suicide?

i consider this a grey area and it's hard to tell the right from the wrong. what do u think?